3 Back To School Stepmom Tips

By: Jessica Phifer-Patterson

It's back to school, which means as a stepmom, back to school can sound like a relief or a nightmare. Maybe you had a drama-free summer, and now that school is back in session, drama, anxiety, and stress are creeping back in like a dark shadow in the night. I've been there many times in my stepmom journey.

Fellow step-mama, you are not alone, and trust me, as bad and stressful as this time of the year can be, it does come with some positives as well.

In my 11 years with multiple custody arrangements, here are my top 3 tips to start the school year off with less stress that will make your life easier.

Create a Smooth Morning & Evening Routine

I know, I know... easier said than done. For my 50/50s or my 30/70 stepmoms, I know it's super tough making a routine at your home that might be very different from the one at bio mom's. In all my over 20 years of dance teaching experience, one thing I have noticed with children is that they are very adaptable and love routine. If the step-kids or child is struggling with so much change at once, remember the saying "slow and steady wins the race"? Well, it's true. Take baby steps; start with one "new" routine and each week or day add a new one. Stepchild at mom's is driven to school and at dad's takes the bus? Make the idea of taking the bus a fun and exciting experience. If they are young, sing songs, talk about the cool things they see outside the window, or maybe some new friends they might sit with on their ride to school. Older children give pushback sometimes, but they love to be involved in the planning. Have a sit-down conversation with them and ask them to help make the routine and ask them for input. If they feel like the routine is in their benefit, not yours, they will be more willing to adapt and change at your home. Finally, whatever the routine is, try hard to stick with it. Your life will be easier, and the stepchild's life will have consistency, which they so badly want and need in split home situations. I know it won't be easy at first, but after a few weeks, you all will adjust, and life will seem smooth and easy.

Communicate with Your Partner About Roles

It can be easy for you to start doing everything, and before you know it, you are burnt out and frustrated. My husband is willing to help and do a lot, but if I take the lead and do a lot of the "doing," then he thinks everything is all set, and then I'm frustrated and burnt out. It's not even his fault, but the lack of communication can leave one parent burnt out and stressed. Having a conversation with your spouse is super important. Talk it out, take turns speaking, and try to work out who is doing what on which days. Stepmoms, please try not to do it all. You will end up having resentment towards your spouse and step-kids or stepchild. The child or children will feel connected and respect you both if you are both taking on roles.

PRO TIP: Many years ago, we had a situation where some information regarding my youngest stepdaughter's 1st-grade class fall festival day was not given to us. On this particular day, students were asked to wear fall outfits to school, pack a festive snack, and parents were invited to come to the school to see the kids play fall games. My husband and I did not receive this information as it was given out on a day we were not doing drop-off or pick-up. When we picked her up from school, she was so confused about why we weren't there and why she didn't have the things she needed that day. I felt terrible and angry. My husband and I realized that it might be best to give the school our custody papers so they know there are two households. We also let the teacher know about the two homes and gave her my husband's email and mine so we could receive all papers and information regarding events and happenings. Just having the conversation with the teachers saved my stepdaughter from ever having that happen to her again and gave us peace of mind knowing we were setting her up for success each day for school and weren't missing anything.

Pick Your Battles with Bio Mom

The situation with missing papers and information could have blown up into a huge issue. Instead of making a big deal, we decided to contact the teacher and school and take unnecessary drama out of the scenario. Yes, communication, either from you or your husband, depending on the situation, is important so the child or children have a positive school year. Seriously, pick your battles. Buying school supplies can become more drama than needed. We had a few years where we just bought our own because my stepdaughter wanted a pink backpack and more girly items, and at her other home, the style was very different. That is okay! She loved having two of everything she could use, and it made the stress of losing items at the other home not a stressor at all. We also used the backpack on transition days, and it made the transition effortless.

Lastly, try not to stress out too much when things are not going as planned. Take a deep breath and look at the whole situation and ask yourself what is not working and how or what can we try to do to make this different or easier. I said earlier children are adaptable, which also means you need to be too. Not everything will work out the way you want it to, but it doesn't have to be a fight or super stressful either.

Stepmom Life is here to help fellow stepmoms like you navigate through the hardships of stepmotherhood. If you found this article helpful or you are looking for some extra support, contact us and join our private community.

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